What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”