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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner