Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.