WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Baller is short for ballerina
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!