I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
So glad we cleared that up
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
When you don’t understand how floors work
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
How to wake up a Beagle
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009