I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes