My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing