Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
You Might Also Like
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”