Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]