Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.