Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that