Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
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pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
crying
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.