“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.