My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Weirdly Wednesday.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.