Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The French word for sex is croissant.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…