I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise