[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
…u ok Nintendo?
stop
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”