i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.