Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.