My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
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OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
craving $300 all of a sudden
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls