My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
not to brag, but mine was free
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
same vibe as tangled headphones
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
craving $300 all of a sudden