And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.