11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking