I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs