Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.