cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle