Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.