Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
BaD BoY!!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.