I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.