Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Did…did a minotaur write this
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*