i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer