SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The French cow says MEUX…
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
same energy
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*