Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
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“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot