I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Haha good job!!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
The first one, obviously
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.