You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?