its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Every work meeting this week
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.