MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.