Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left