My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it