since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
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My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
October already? What’s next? November????
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Just how popey was the pope today?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing