I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“What?”
– Jude
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS