on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.