I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC