[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”