I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!