Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
You Might Also Like
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Sticker placement is key.