[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
You Might Also Like
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud