Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks