I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
huge if true: the moon
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.