Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
You Might Also Like
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Cool shirt 🙂
twitter is a journey
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
pls suprot
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I would like even faster food.
never forget
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous